I'm sorry... No titles please

It's Friday and I actually have off on Saturday. New Year's Eve and I have the day off... And better yet, I don't go to work until two o'clock on New Year's Day. I'm gonna spend my New Year's with Jill. I'm excited. We both really don't have plans and I kinda like it. I just want to curl up with my baby and ring in the new year kinda quietly.

What have I been up to as of late? Lessee... I was off on Thursday. I got up and went to pick up my check and then I went to my sister's to help her hook up her new tv and dvd/vcr combination. I left there and went to the mall and to wal-mart to do a little shopping. Then I headed for the grocery store and got stuff to make supper. I made fettucine alfredo with chicken. Then I just crashed... I had no energy to do anything. I wanted to either put together mom's new computer desk or go visit Phil but I couldn't muster the required energy.

I worked tonight. I hate that place with a passion. Just sickening. The management, fellow associates, the customers... it's just annoying anymore. I put in for a week's vacation. I hope that clears things up a little for me. On the plus side, Jill came in tonight and that always puts a smile on my face.

Alright... I think I'm gonna go. I don't feel like typing anymore.

Moonlit Memories

So... I was off yesterday. I got up fairly early and got myself around. I paid my credit card bill and then I went to exchange season nine of MASH since I got it twice. I got a couple of other movies in it's place and dropped off my film from Christmas. I came back home, put a new DVD drive in my comp, called dish network about a technical issue, swept the carpet and did the dishes. Then once Mom got home I went to pick up my pics and a pizza. Brought mom home, ate and then I went to Jill's. I hid at bingo and then we went to Mark's to play games. Had a good time. I stayed at Jill's, when we woke up her dad told us about an accident close to my house and I made a few phone calls to make sure everyone was ok. Jill took me for breakfast and then we just kinda chilled. I worked today... *makes a rude face* Now I'm blogging... and yeah... this is the worst entry ever.

So... yeah... I have a bunch of thoughts swirling in my head but I don't feel like trying to articulate so I'm gonna go. I'd probably just butcher anything else I try to type anyway!

The Listing of the Loot

So it's the day after Christmas... Had a busy one this year. Woke up to it being VERY hot in the house. Mom had decided that since it was Christmas she wanted to light her new gas stove and it made it 9,000 degrees in this house. Mom, Monica and I exchanged our gifts and then I started to cook because Gram and Pap were coming for dinner at noon. We ate and as we settled in afterwards, Jill came down. We did our gift exchange with her and kinda visited a little bit and then headed for her parent's place to exchange gifts with them. Went straight to her Aunt's for their Christmas party and poor Jillian who worked both Christmas Eve and Christmas was falling asleep. So I took her home so she could catch some zzzz's before she had to go to work. So yeah... a busy Christmas.

The haul consisted of....

Lots of kewl clothes, mostly comic book shirts.
A whole lotta dvds.
A bunch of books.
A couple of video games and a new X-box controller.
A new calendar.
The Garth Brooks box set.
Star Wars ornaments.
A Darth Vader throw.
All six Star Wars watches from Burger King.
Some other odds and ends.
But mostly I got to spend some quality time with the people I love.

Merry Christmas!!!

I know... I haven't updated in a few days again. What has the old scoundrel been up to? Work, sleep, work and repeat! *chuckles*

Friday night after work I went to Phil's and exchanged gifts with him and his family. I haven't really spent a whole lot of time with him lately. My schedule has been so full. *grins* Mostly with Jill... I'm not complaining though. ;-) I left Phil's because I was SOOOO tired. I was practically falling asleep sitting there. I decided to go up to Jill's though... I hadn't seen her in almost a week and I needed a shot in the arm.

Tonight? Being Christmas Eve and all Dawn and her family were here. We had a nice evening. Tomorrow/Today is gonna be VERY full... Christmas morning, dinner at about noon with Gram and Pap, Jill is coming down after dinner, Traci and Terri are coming to visit and I'm supposed to go do some family things with Jill. That's just a brief recap of the past coupla days and the next.

Now being Christmas I have to leave you with the TRUE meaning of Christmas...

9)And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10)And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11)For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12)And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13)And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14)Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.


--- Luke 2:9-14

A Scoundrel's Tale

Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter
I miss you as my lonesome heart breaks and does splinter
The tiny pieces could pass through even a needle’s eye
As the hours wend away the shards seem only to multiply
When this all began I do not seem to recall
I only know that I miss you most when the shadows fall

Life less than ordinary

The store was insane tonight... We all knew it would be. It's less than a week until Christmas and who would expect less? Nothing of major importance to report. The only thing on my mind has been how much I miss Jill. I know I sound dorky, sappy, needy or whatever but I really do miss her. I saw her on Sunday so it's been three days. *nods* I won't get to see her until Christmas. I'll feel guilty then though because she won't be getting much sleep if any. I felt bad for calling her tonight and waking her up. The poor girl doesn't get enough rest as it is and I'm waking her up for no real reason other than I want to hear her voice. *chuckles* I get to thinking about things like this and wonder if I'm the only guy in the world who is this.... sentimental. I dunno. Heck, I doubt I'm even making any sense so I'll shut up.

Christmas... cards, cookies and family

So last night after work Mom and I went for supper and to do a little Christmas shopping. Had a nice time actually. Laughed my head off at Mom once we got home and she had to wrap what she bought. But anyway.... If you wanna hear that story you'll hafta IM or call me.

Today I went and finished my Christmas shopping. Rushing around like an idiot but I got it done.

Tonight we delivered cookies to the family. First stop was Sylv and Roger's. Seth unfortunately was working so I didn't get to give him his presents but I did leave them there. Exchanged presents with Sylv and Rog and had a nice little visit. I got a nosebleed while we were there though... Kinda odd for me. *shrugs* We then went over to Chuck and Sandy's and delivered their cookies and things. Chuck opened the card from me and asked about Jill... I guess he didn't know I was seeing anyone. Then he proceeded to ask me if she was "a" girl or "the" girl and when we were getting married... *rolls eyes* Everyone trying to rush her and I into marriage (what's with that, honey? your family, mine and all those people we work with.) Then we went to Charlie and Janet's and then up to Randy and Sandy's. Randy had to pick on me about Jillian as well. *smirks* Then we went to Gram and Pap's. Had a nice visit with them as well.

When we finally got home since I hadn't really eaten all day I decided to go to Perkin's. *nods* At like ten in the evening. It was good though.

Now? I think I'm gonna play games and go to bed. Lata!

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't. Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time. Your flirting style: Coy Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant What you bring to relationships: Romance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Where could he be?

I know... I know... Those of you who have my IM are saying, "That guy's always online and always away!" *nods* Pretty much! I went to work on Saturday 10-7 and then went straight to the firehall for Jill's family's Christmas party. Yeah, me and crowds. *shakes head* Had a pretty good time in spite of myself. *smiles* Laughed my head off at points, met the two people that Jill told me that I HAD to, and of course my darling chica was sooo sweet to me. Went to Mark and Christina's after the party and played Shout About Music. *smirks* Mark and I won all three games. The girls and Derek weren't happy.

I spent the night at Jill's. There is no feeling in the world like holding the person you love close to you as you drift off to sleep. Anyway... woke up today and Jill went on a call. I came home and got around. Filled out my Christmas cards and then Jill came down. She went up on Dad's mountain with me. Now most of you know that it snowed massively here the other day... and Dad's mountain isn't easy to get to anyway. It wasn't easy getting there... and it's always an emotional thing for me but we made it. Thank you, Jillian, you are too sweet, baby!

Went to my grandparent's with Mom tonight. Haven't been up there in quite some time. *nods* I ended up sleeping on their couch. LOL! *shrugs* Oh well!

Now I think it's about time to go blow stuff up!
I'm outtie!

In Loving Remembrance

Go Rest High on that Mountain -- Vince Gill

I know your life on earth was troubled,
And only you could know the pain.
You weren't afraid to face the devil.
You were no stranger to the rain.

Go rest high on that mountain.
Son, your work on earth is done.
Go to heaven a-shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son.

Oh, how we cried the day you left us!
We gathered 'round your grave to grieve.
I wish I could see the angels' faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing.

Go rest high on that mountain.
Son, your work on earth is done.
Go to heaven a-shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son.

Go to heaven a-shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son


Dean L. Bierly Jr. 1954-2003

Is it over yet?

Is the holiday season over yet? I know that sounds terrible to most of you... but for me, it's a bad time of year. I work in retail so I'm stressed... and then of course this is the time of year when my father passed on. You would think it would get easier as time goes on but it doesn't. I think I miss him more today then I did right after he passed away. I keep thinking of how I'd like to talk to him about things. I never really had the chance to ask my dad's views on different things. It was a very casual reltionship that I had with dad and I was thinking that if I'd only thought about it then I'd have taken the time to cultivate something more. *sighs* Anyway....

Work was terrible tonight. *nods* Down to a week's worth of shopping days and it's NUTS! We had a bunch of people working tonight.... El was there until 7, Seth until 9 and then myself, Leigh and Sue closed. Now Leigh and Sue decided to take lunch together at six... Ok, thanks for consulting me about that. *shakes head* The real pain though was that they decided to take their last break together... AT NINE when Seth was supposed to leave and that left the old scoundrel S.O.L. It was insane in there and they just left me! Lucky for me Seth stayed over to help me out... Otherwise I woulda really been up the creek. *tried to calm himself*

Oh!!! Derek and Wendy were in the store tonight... They asked me about if I was coming to the Christmas party tomorrow night. *nods* I'm going. We know me and crowds... but I get to spend time with Jill so, though I'm apprehensive, I'm kinda looking forward to it. I mean, hey, it's time with the chica and I LOVE that thought!

Ok... I'm outtie! Gonna blow stuff up now!

Shoulda Checked My E-Mail

Hey honey,

Just to let you know, I dropped my cell phone in the van when Dad brought me to work. If you are going to call me tonight, call the 1-800 number and ask for the nurses station. They will put you through directly to here. It's 1-800-****-****. Or if you want you can call 538-**** and extension 12**. That will put you directly to here without having to talk to anyone, but it's not toll free. Use which ever one you want. I will talk to you then.

Love you!!

Jill


Well, I feel better knowing... but I am an idiot and shoulda checked last night. *sighs* Oh well...

It's ugly out there!

So we had another winter storm roll through... I was scheduled to work 10-7 today but I left at two. It was getting nasty out there and I wasn't hanging around. Anyway... I'm sitting here a little worried. I talked to Jill today and she wasn't sure about if she was going to work or not. I sent her a text around 10:30 and then I called as usual at 1:30... and again at two something... I left a message and still haven't heard from her. I dunno if she's sleeping at home, at work or what. Worried about my baby. I'm trying to convince myself that things are fine... she's either asleep safe and sound in her bed or extremely busy at work. I just can't totally convince myself of that though. We all know me... I worry. It's an inheirited family trait I suppose. I just wanna know that the woman I love is ok. She means everything to me. I just tried calling again. Maybe she left her phone somewhere... that's not like her but it is possible.

I'm gonna go nuts now...

Cookies, Bingo, Gay, Gas, Games....

So I had off for two days... *grins* What did I do?

I came home from work Monday night and made cookies. Peanutbutter blossoms to be exact. After I called Jill I crashed and slept a glorious slumber.

Tuesday? I got up and just kinda chilled around the house. Couldn't get myself motivated. Mom brought me home more peanutbutter and I made more cookies. Then I went up to bingo and felt antisocial... Jill and I kinda hid in the EMS room at the firehall. I could tell she was stressed and she told me what was going on. I gave her some cookies because she was the reason I made them in the first place. Anyway... after bingo we went to Mark and Christina's. Right after we got there Jill had a call so I took her back up to the firehall. Mark, Derek and I went for food and then we picked Jill back up again. We played shout about movies and apparently I'm supposed to play by myself from now on. Jill told Christina about me making cookies and she told me that I'm gay. *shrugs*

Jill and I crashed at her place at like four in the morn. She had to get up this morning to go to a meeting at the firehall... when she came back I asked her if she feels better about things now... she told me that she does... I hope so.

I came home and what have I done tonight? Wrapped all the presents I have and started on my Christmas cards... I think I'm doing pretty good thus far! A few other odds and ends happened but ya'll won't care so... :-p

I'm outtie!

All I Want Is You This Christmas - N Sync

Snowy night
Where it's warm here by the fire
Here with you (here with you)
I have all that I desire
It's been a long year
But somehow we got by
Now it's Christmas Eve
And love is on our side

I don't need a hundred gifts
beneath the tree (the tree)
Don't you know the best thing
you could give to me?
Nothing else will do
All I want is you this Christmas
(This Christmas, this Christmas)

Children sing (children sing) Christmas carols
At our door (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Spreading joy (spreading joy)
That's what Christmas time is for
Though we don't have much
You've got me and I've got you
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
And with a little faith
Miracles come true

And I don't need a hundred gifts
beneath the tree (the tree)
Don't you know the best thing
you could give to me?
Nothing else will do
All I want is you this Christmas
(This Christmas, this Christmas)

I don't want the love of any other girl
I want only one thing in this whole wide world
Nothing else will do
All I want is you this Christmas
(This Christmas, this Christmas)

Cheek to cheek, the lights are low
A kiss beneath the mistletoe
Your face lit by the fire's glow
That's all I want tonight

And I don't need a hundred gifts beneath the tree
Don't you know the best thing you can give to me?
Nothing else will do
All I want is you this Christmas

Nothing else will do
All I want is you this Christmas
Yeah, yeah

Sudden turns

So yeah... The last coupla posts of mine were kinda depressing. *smirks* Today's will be better. I'm in a good mood, and I think I'm doing reasonably well with Mom's list.

It snowed massively Thursday night into Friday... I called off of work. Didn't really want to go in the first place. So I did some stuff around the house and played some DoD. *grins* I called Jillian but the poor girl was soooo out of it that I told her to hang up and go back to sleep. I eventually called her back and decided to go up in the evening. I got my car stuck in her driveway... *shrugs* I'm not the only one though... Her mom got stuck, and her dad got stuck with his BIG truck... He even ended up hitting the house. Anyway... I fell asleep up there, Jill woke me back up and we played some cards with her mom. Then she and I watched a movie and fell asleep. I was gonna come home early in the morning... like three. But I couldn't drag myself outta bed so I stayed. She showed me the trailer while I was there and then I came home and went to work.

Work? INSANE! End of story.

Now I'm gonna play with some pics I got developed tonight and then Seth and I are gonna play DoD.

I'm gone!

Excuse me while I pound my head on the wall

Ok... so tonight Mom and I talked some more. Very deep, emotionally draining thing... I told Mom that the anger she sees in me... isn't really anger... More of a self-loathing. Let me explain... With all humans our relationships are based how other people make us feel about ourselves. We like people not because of how we perceive them... but how we perceive ourselves with or because of them. When I'm with my mom and to a lesser extent Monica... I see my flaws. I see my imperfections and my faults. That might be where she sees me treating them like an enemy. I don't know however... I know that when I'm with Jill or Seth, I feel completely at ease. I know I'm accepted for who I am... flaws and all. It's a wonderful thing. Yes, I know I'm far from perfect and I know I'll never fix all my flaws... but why is it that those are what's most prevalent when I'm with my family? I know I have very high standards for who I should be, and they do as well... I don't know that I can live up to my own standard... I'm always concerned that I'll anger or upset or disappoint my family... like I'm not good enough for them. Is any of this making any sense to you? I know what I mean but am I articulating it?

*sighs*

And to top it all off... I know I upset Jill. I hate that. And we all know how insecure I am. I'm sooo afraid that she's gonna say that I'm not worth this trouble. This heartache or pain or whatever. She amazes me though... she tells me that it's all fine. I wish I could believe her. Things were going along so nicely until all this came up again. I was so happy. Now I'm chasing my own thoughts in circles. It's such a hard juggling act. Keeping my family happy while trying to live my life and pursue my own happiness.

What it all comes down to is that I have to try harder I guess... Mom put those three things out there. Clean up my act, be a productive member of the family, and follow her house rules.

Yeah... in circles I go again. I NEED to make it all work.

Now I REALLY feel like crap

Just got off the phone with Jill... I told her about everything that happened yesterday... She was crying while I was on the phone with her. I hate when my baby is in pain. What's worse is that I feel like I caused this. I really want to just crawl off somewhere but that is pure cowardice. I've got to stand here and face this. Please, God, help me... heal all this pain in my family and I.

drenched in my pain again

So yesterday was a pretty good day... to start. I got up and the guy was here to hook up mom's new gas stove. I was running on very little sleep and wasn't into it. I guess I upset Monica in all that but hopefully I'll get to that later. I went shopping with Seth. I really enjoyed myself. It's been forever since he and I were out and about together. I came home and Mom and Monica had brought home the Christmas tree. So I decorated it last night.

In the middle of all this is where it happened.... I came home and something sparked again. Mom had three basic things that she pounded at me. I'm not who she thought I was, I apparently treat my family like crap and take no responsibility around here, and I'm not good for my word. She says she sees a lot of anger in me... That I act like my family is the enemy. Mom says that I disappoint her, that I hurt her, anger her.. but she still loves me even if I don't see it. She keeps telling me that I'm acting like a teenager and not an adult.

*sighs and shakes head*
I'm not writing anymore... I can't.

Who could ask for more?

It's been a wonderful couple of days. *grins* Granted I had to work and it's the holidays... and we all know that sucks but it's been those hours where I haven't been working that life's been amazing!

Saturday I had to work 2-11. It was Jill's weekend off so I went up to her place after work. We just kinda hung out watching tv and a movie and then I spent the night at her place. It had snowed so it wasn't exactly what I'd call ideal driving conditions anyway. I came home Sunday morning and got around to go back to work 2-11 again. Jill came down and came home with me Sun. night. Just getting to spend time with her... not having to be doing this or that... just sitting around watching tv, playing on the computer and talking... That's living right there.

I heard some great news this weekend too. *smiles* I'm very happy for a friend of mine. I hope she knows how proud of her I am. Starting to take life by the horns and kick it in the butt rather than the other way around. I LOVE it!

I worked today... yuck! But tonight (and yes, baby, I know it's late) I played DoD with Seth! Woohoo! Haven't done that in a LONG time... and tomorrow he and I are thinking about going shopping... haven't hung with Seth in FOREVER. So I guess I'll go to bed now... gotta get up and get going tomorrow.

I'm outtie! Oh but before I go... Jill, I love you!

Baby, it's cold outside

Just got off the phone with Jill... *smiles* A nightly ritual, unless I pass out early but that doesn't happen too often. *shakes head* But it costs me when it does. Aaaaanyway... That girl amazes me. But then again, you all knew that. Love her to death. I just can't picture my life without her. It would be cold and empty and just VERY depressing. But then again... you all know that too. *chuckles* I guess I keep telling you all the same things. I don't care though! This is how I feel.

My forearms are covered in bruises and scratches and things. Worked my butt off at the store today. I was in the backroom moving freight most of the day. Filled all of our features and kept the larger items filled on the shelves... Even got some stuff in the back cleaned up. The coolest thing happened too... *smirks* Kinda dropped a tv on the salesfloor... it sounded like a car accident. It imploded... freakin AWESOME!

We caught a shoplifter at the store today... *grins* I ended up standing guard in the back until the state troopers showed up. Fun times!

This weekend is Jill's weekend off... I hafta work 2-11 both days. That really sucks! We don't get enough time together as it is... Why do our schedules hafta conflict like this? Maybe I should count it a blessing though... I mean, how much of me can any one person stand? Gold is valuable because it's rare, right? If everything were made of gold, it would have NO VALUE at all.

Alright.. enough outta me tonight. I'm gone!

Not so late breaking news

Alright... Yeah, Jill was here last night. *grins* I'm still intoxicated just being with her. It's been five months (since July, right babe? *smirks*) and I'm still blown away every time I'm even near her. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet!

I got a little defensive with Mom tonight. I didn't mean to but it was like she was twisting a knife in my gut with her comment and I shot off. I was telling her about Jill saying that I could delete her pic from my comp and then asking where I even got that pic. I was telling mom about that particular picture and how it came from the fire dept. Mom had to comment on how she believes that I come AFTER the fire dept. in Jill's life. It hurt me. Mom of course says it struck a nerve because it's true.... I told her that it was because I still feel like I have to defend my relationship. Neither is totally true... nor totally false. Yes, I know Jill loves her fire dept. and I would NEVER, EVER ask her to give that up. It's a part of her and who she is. Yes, it's inconvenient and tiresome when she has obligations and things but I have to understand. And as far as me defending my relationship goes? Mom's been very good about it. I guess I'm just waiting for that to stop. For the chaos to start again. Like I have to be on guard and ever vigilant against it. Need to work on that, I guess... *furrows brow*

Oh! I didn't tell you that on my way home from shopping the other night... I was very upset. A deer decided to run into my car! Thankfully no major damage, just a barely perceptible dent in the driver side rear quarter panel, just above the wheel well. A scary experience but thankfully it all turned out ok.

I haven't written about work lately... What can I say? It's Christmas!!! I NEED out! I really pray that this is my last holiday season in retail.

Anyway... enough of my rambling gibberish. I'm outtie!