Piece by tiny, broken piece

Finally! You've finally told me what's going on inside of you. I was trying so desperately to understand what has been going on the past few months. I finally am starting to understand a little better and hopefully you understand where I've been coming from as well. I hope we can continue to communicate and understand each other like this. I know it's difficult and painful but it's the only way we will make it through this together. We not only are rebuilding ourselves but our relationship. This is not where we expected to be, not what we prepared for.... not what we dreamed about.

On the newsfront... We have tickets to the Jeff Dunham show tomorrow night. I can't wait!!! This will be good therapy and I'm looking forward to laughing all night long. Also, my eldest nephew will visiting this evening into tomorrow. He's becoming much more mature and returning to being the joy to have around that he once was. I'm very proud of him and all of my nephews and nieces.

I don't have much more to say... so I shall bid you all a fond adieu.

Beyond Broken

What can you call it when your heart is beyond broken? The last two months have been a blur. Time twisted into an incomprehensible haze and the only anchor for me and my sanity was you. Now I feel like that lone tie is slowly fraying. Adrift, amongst my sorrow, thoughts and fears. Where can I turn when you don't seem to be there? I know you want to be, but every time I look to you, you're gone. Perhaps you're trying to keep your own anguish at bay and I cannot fault you for that. I do not want to add to your pain by what I feel. You have suffered even worse than I and your healing I hold in greateast regard. Without you, I have nothing. Yes, I have those I care about, but only you complete me. I beg you just to come to me once in a while, so I may medicate my pain with you.

Long time gone

Here I am again, dear reader. It's been months since I last posted here and my world has crashed again and again. I scarcely know where to begin, so I shall not even pretend to try to put it all in order. I will just let it all flow from my head, heart and soul and you can piece it together as you see fit.

Noah... just the sound of his name on my tongue, in my ear, or in my head makes me sad. Every father dreams about the birth of his child. Sure he may be scared about the delivery and how he'll be as a dad. But the sheer joy of this new life, this little person who is the product of your love with another human being is immeasurable. Thoughts of teaching, praising and even the mischief this child will indefinitely get into courses through your mind. Being able to look at the world through your child's eyes as they grow and experience things for the first time.... Then to have it all snatched away at the last moment. All the pain and terrors of labor for both her and I and then to have none of the rewards. The empty nursery, the unused bottles, the silent monitor and the smiling toys all seem torturous to have in the house. Our little boy, looks so perfect... merely sleeping. Sleeping now beyond our reach and I cannot understand why we have not been granted the opportunity to raise our child. I cannot comfort Jill any more than I can keep my own heart from breaking and I feel so helpless.

We've buried our boy... Life seems to plod along. Continuing now as a mere formality, almost devoid of passion or pleasure. I try to find reasons to smile or something to help me have purpose. I had the best reason, to be a great father, and now that is gone. I turn to the one I love and feel as if she is like sand slipping through my fingers. The tighter I hold on, the more I lose. I know she loves me. I tell her that I just need some time for us to be together and she tries... it just never works out. Responsibilities, family, whatever... All this pain, disappointment it just festers and brews. It becomes toxic, infectious anger and venom. It kills me to know the pain that I feel, I inflict on those I love. It all just hurts, the gaping numb hole is no more and there is this ragged hole that oozes and bleeds as it tries to heal. The only medicine I know is the love of those I care most about... but it seems this disease that I've contracted, or become, keeps pushing them away. I've never felt this way... not when Dad passed away, not ever. I've felt pain, made it my friend, because it was the only way to know that I was alive. If I was alive, then someday, sometime it would get better. But now... I'm not sure that I am alive. I know that I'm living because I have a pulse but am I truly alive any longer?

This is where I'm stuck... I have no answers to my own questions. Usually when I write this out, it all seems to come together... but now... It's out there... but I can't find it.

Precious Son

"God, I know You gave Your precious Son
To give us life with You.
But I didn’t want my son to leave,
'Cause he was precious too.
We all are precious in Your eyes
And all to You return.
I know my son will not come back,
And I still have much to learn.
Our time on earth is for learning,
And when our lessons are through,
Our spirit chooses the time we leave,
And we come back to You.
My precious son is with You,
And there will be a day,
That I too will leave this earthly place,
And You will light my way.
I know Your arms will be open,
And I will have a smile,
To see my God and precious son,
I will then become Your child."
---- Joy Curnutt

Don’t Think I Do Not Grieve

"Don’t think I do not feel;
because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
of grief, and loss, and fears.

Just because I do not cry now,
don’t think my heart’s not broken.
I keep inside the misery
of words not to be spoken.

Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,
so you won’t see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake,
or how I’ve gone insane.

Each time I chance to think of him,
my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.
you will not see my thunder."
---- Brenda Penepent