Addiction and the addict

"Addiction is a compulsion to repeat a behaviour regardless of its consequences. A person who is addicted is sometimes called an addict.

There is a lack of consensus as to what may properly be termed 'addiction.' Some within the medical community maintain a rigid definition of addiction and contend that the term is only applicable to a process of escalating drug or alcohol use as a result of repeated exposure. However, addiction is often applied to compulsive behaviors other than drug use, such as overeating or gambling. In all cases, the term addiction describes a chronic pattern of behaviour that continues despite the direct or indirect adverse consequences that result from engaging in the behavior. It is quite common for an addict to express the desire to stop the behaviour, but find himself or herself unable to cease.

Addiction is often characterized by a craving for more of the drug or behavior, increased physiological tolerance to exposure, and withdrawal symptoms in the absence of the stimulus. Many drugs and behaviours that provide either pleasure or relief from pain pose a risk of addiction or dependency."

-- Wikipedia

Yeah... that's me. But it's not what you think. I'm not addicted to a drug or a harmful behavior. I'm addicted to a person. Just being around her intoxicates me. I'm suffering through withdrawal symptoms right now. Lethargic, apathetic, loss of concentration, etc. I know it sounds rather... odd, weird, pathetic or whatever. It is the truth, however.

I'm in love. You all know it. I just finally realized that love is an addiction to another person. I'm an addict and I don't ever want to get clean.

I haven't seen Jill since the weekend and I'm jonesing big time. I can't wait until tomorrow night to see her.

I probably sound like an idiot to most of you... but I don't care. Anyway... I'm outtie.

Not too much of an update...

Lessee...
It's my day off. I have to go mail my MS walk letters, still hafta scan those pics for Jill, I might go meet her for lunch, and I hafta stop at the bank. That's the productive parts of my day. Otherwise I think I'm just gonna kinda relax and probably make a nice supper for Mom and I.

Did you hear about the idiot who wanted to spend his spring break in Wal-Mart? Here's the story.

Anyway... I should probably get moving with what I need to do. I don't really want to move but I need to get things done. I'm outtie!

Another amazing weekend

Yes, it was an amazing weekend. I went to my grandparent's on Saturday morning with my mom. We went out for breakfast, to the bank and post office. Just out and about, running errands and things. It was nice though since I haven't really been around much lately. I came home and took a nap and then I went to Jill's after I got myself around and halfway presentable. Jill and I went Olive Garden for a nice supper and then we killed a little time until it was time to see V for Vendetta. I absolutely LOVED this movie!

Sunday I got up and headed home. Had to shower and get ready for work. I came in the door and found my mom dealing with a major sinus headache. I felt sooo bad for her. Anyway, I went to work and then straight back to Jill's. I felt so lucky to just be getting to spend so much time with her.

Today it was back to work and then when I got home, taking care of some business. I wrote a letter for the MS walk, took care of my local and state taxes, and things. I still have a ton of things to do, like scan a bunch of pics for Jill and work on my dvd player. Anyway... I should either get moving with what I have to do, or just go to bed. *chuckles* I'm outtie!

My Life

*yawns* You'll hafta excuse me, I just woke up. I haven't been home much lately. I've either been with Jill or at work.

Anyway... what's been going on with me? Lessee... You know about my car issues, about the live burn... *tries to think* Ok, here we go. I was pulled into the office last night at work. It seems a customer complained about me. Said I was rude and he didn't get proper service from me. *shakes head* It's only the second or third complaint about me in the eight years I've worked there. I might not have been as happy go lucky as usual and I was BUSY with a ton of customers not to mention that this guy was rude to ME. *Shrugs* But I guess that's beside the point. Management didn't really believe the guy anyway. They did however want to know what's going on with me. They've noticed that I haven't been as jovial as usual. I told them that I haven't been able to spend as much time as I'd like with the people that I love. So I was told that we'd work on getting me the time I need. *grins* I should be getting a long weekend over Easter weekend and another associate switched schedules with me for this Saturday so I can spend some time out with Jill and a friend.

Now I gotta go... I'm gonna pick up my check, pay a few bills, make a nice supper and just chill here at home with my family. I'm outtie!

Wonderful Weekend

I had a marvelous weekend... I was totally freaked outta my mind Friday. Ya'll know me... I worry. Especially when I think I might be screwing up the best thing ever in my life.

I spent practically my entire weekend with my honey. She picked me up Friday night after work and I didn't come home until this morning. I went with her to her live burn on Sat and took lots of pics...

It's blazing!
Just watching.
Hose it down!
All geared up
My beautiful firefighter

The most important thing about this weekend though was that I was with the woman I love.

I don't have much else to say... My updates lately are getting shorter and more boring I believe. *shrugs* I might find something to wax eloquent over sometime soon... or I might just become less articulate... who knows?

Anyway, I'm outtie for now!

Why?

Why did I post what I did? Why do I feel the way I do? The only thing that can come of it is me hurting the person I care about most in this world. I don't ever want to do that. I guess it's true what they say... You hurt the ones you love the most. I'm truly sorry. I just find it so difficult to go without seeing you. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to add to the chaos of your life. I just want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. When we go for days without seeing each other I begin to think you don't want that from me and it feels like a knife in my chest. I know that I think too much and I worry too much... that's just me and part of who I am. I've told you before that I don't understand why you put up with me... It seems I can only cause problems and bring you pain. I love you, Jill. There is nothing in this world that can change that. Until my dying day I will love you.

An Explanation...

I know my previous post will bring some questions... as I'm sure this one will too. Both are just a product of how I'm feeling with too much time to think. The only thing I can say is... "I'm sorry".

"All alone again tonight
Countless days you’ve been out of sight
Wondering when there’ll be time
A day, an hour, a minute that’s mine
You love that life you lead
I could never ask you ever to cede
I live only to see you happy
An additional burden I don’t want to be
I’m not asking for exclusivity
But I do want to be more of a priority
I’m so afraid I’ll hurt you with this thought
Musings and emotions so disheveled and distraught
I feel so selfish knowing your responsibilities
Wishing there were a way for my feelings to ease
I just hate that most of our lives are spent apart
Don’t ever doubt that I love you with all my heart
I don’t know what I expect from telling you this
I just know that it’s you I constantly miss"

--C.A.B.

*Sigh*

Saga - Alone Again Tonight


"I've been waiting here so long
For someone I can talk to
Coz I know where we went wrong
But it's really not the time or place
To talk about the problems
Now I've got you face to face
I'll tell you what I'm thinking of
Imagine how my heart feels
Now I know I'm still in love
Oh please don't cry
But I need to tell you one more time
I didn't mean to hurt you
I never meant to complicate your life
If I can hold you
'Cause I don't wanna be alone again tonight
Please don't look away
I've tried to say I'm sorry
For the things I never said
We can talk about who's to blame
But it really doesn't matter
I'm so tired of playing games
Oh please don't cry
But I need to tell you one more time
I didn't mean to hurt you
I never meant to complicate your life
If I can hold you
'Cause I don't wanna be alone again tonight
Oh please don't cry
But I need to tell you one more time
I didn't mean to hurt you
I never meant to complicate your life
If I can hold you
'Cause I don't wanna be alone again tonight"

Deja Vu?

Well, my day was this... I woke up early, 8:30 to be exact, called Jill and then got around to go play basketball. Had a good time though it was COLD and WINDY. Only had five people today but it was fun. After I got home and ate, got around and went to pick up my car. I think it's gonna be LOTS better once I get the tires and alignment. Just like having a new car again! Once I got home again, I made supper and have been watching tv. I've been chilling online and chatting a little. I think I might have upset a friend... Never my intent. My apologies! Now I'm gonna try to stay awake and call Jill tonight because I haven't done so the past few days and I miss my chica! Alright... I'm gonna go. I gotta get up and go to work tomorrow.

Basketball and bills

Yeah... what a day. I took my car to the Volvo dealer this morning. I was having it serviced and had asked them to check it over, top to bottom. I was expecting a pretty hefty bill... boy, did I underestimate it! If I had let them do everything they wanted, the bill would have been over $1,600. I am having everything done... just not all at the dealer and not all at the same time. All in all it should be around $1,300. Still waaaaay more money than I actually have but... it needs done. *sighs and shrugs* What are you gonna do?

The upside today was basketball... well, sorta. It was chilly and windy today and only half of us that were supposed to play showed up. It was fun though. I forgot how much fun it is. I'm excited for this summer. Get to play more under better conditions.

Yeah... I could post a bunch of other stuff here. Like how much I miss Jill. Just never enough time for her and I. Or how much I hate work, things there are just insanely stupid. But ya'll have heard all that a million times and are sick of it.

Oh! I could tell you that I have an offer to have a stalker, but you don't really need to hear about that... and probably don't want to. I'll make a decision sometime about that one.

*smirks*
Anyway... I'm gonna go. I'm watching an old basketball tape and thoroughly enjoying it.

All I Want is a Life: Tim McGraw

"I just want to get a little more out of my payday
Finally own a car that doesn't break down on the freeway
A little vacation
Ain't asking very much
I hate comin' home to this old broken down apartment
I wish I had a dime for every hole that's in the carpet
I don't want it all
But I ain't got enough

All I want is a life
To drink from a glass from a well that ain't dry
I'm sick of the crumbs I want a piece of that pie
All I want is a life

I don't mind the hours and the pain that comes from workin'
But it's enough to kill me when I see my baby hurtin'
Wanna give her that diamond I never got to buy
She keeps tellin' me that everything is gettin' better
But one step up the rung and someone knocks me off the ladder

Just wanna break even
Someday before I die

All I want is a life
To drink from a glass from a well that ain't dry
I'm sick of the crumbs I want a piece of that pie
All I want is a life

All I want is a life
To drink from a glass from a well that ain't dry
I'm sick of the crumbs I want a piece of that pie
All I want is a life

All I want
Is a life
All I want
Is a life"

Drumroll, please....

Ok... here's my real exciting update. I haven't been up to much of anything as of late. Work, sleep, go see my Jillian, and repeat. I have been reading in those in between times. Just about have the Dark Nest trilogy completed and I'm thinking about starting Outbound Flight.

*shrugs*
That's about it. I mean, I know you're all sick of hearing about Jill and I so... *chuckles* Oh! We're starting to play ball again here in about a week. I can't wait! Get outside, get some exercise and have some fun. It'll be sooo cool! Yeah... that's it, I guess. LOL!

YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND . . . .John Mayer

I told you, Jill

singingfool.com video codes

Make this your own

A collection of unrelated thoughts

I woke up this morning feeling slightly ambushed. Monica was on the phone with my mom and had woke me up trying to talk to me about mom's car and things. I had no clue, I hadn't even woken up enough to know what day it was. Monica then put me on the phone with my mom and I got yelled at before I could even wake up enough to know what exactly was going on. Mom has since apologized but it was not a fun way to wake up.

I'm off today... nothing planned really. I think I'm gonna make fettuccine alfredo with chicken for supper. That sounds wonderful to me. Tomorrow I'm off as well. I'm gonna go see my Jillian! Yay!

I'm racing through the last book of the Dark Nest Trilogy. I'm loving it! Though I must say, I'm slightly confused by one of the characters. They seem to be acting very differently than they were always portrayed. *shrugs* I'm hoping it will be cleared up.

I found this in a friend's profile... thought I'd share it.

America the Beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.

Babies piled in dumpsters,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty;
your house is on the sand.

Our children wander aimlessly
poisoned by cocaine,
Choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain.

From sea to shining sea,
our Nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray.

We've kept God in our temples,
how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.

We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless Judges
who throw reason out the door,

Too soft to place a killer
in a well deserved tomb,
But brave enough to kill a baby
before he leaves the womb.

You think that God's not angry,
that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?

How are we to face our God,
from Whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do,
but stem this evil tide?

If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:

Then God will hear from Heaven
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.

But, America the Beautiful,
if you don't - then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee.

-- Judge Roy Moore



I don't have much else to share... I'm sure you're all really used to that by now. *chuckles* I'm a boring scoundrel I suppose. I'm outtie!

Wake up with a smile

Not much going on since my last update... I've noticed that my life has become a bit routine lately. Not that I mind... as long as the routine contains as much Jill as possible, I'm all for it! I've just been working, sleeping, reading and hanging with my Jillian. I went up to her place Friday night after work. We went to Mark's and played Trivial Pursuit 90's edition with Mark and Derek. We played until like 3:45 a.m. and of course it was brought home that I'm filled with useless knowledge. I so loved just being with my baby. *smiles* All the world is right... oh you get the idea. *chuckles*

Me?

I can't believe how lucky I am... How much I'm loved. Jill came down for lunch today. That might not sound like much, but you have to realize the situation. The weather was absolutely horrendous today. Sleet and freezing rain and just plain yucky. To top that off, she had not slept yet and she has a meeting tonight before work. I know she did it just to show me how much she loves me. Just seeing her brightens my day. Knowing that she has made time for me makes me feel so special... worthwhile and important. I don't know how else to say it... Thank you, Jill! I love you, baby!

There isn't much else to report... *shrugs* I haven't done much as of late. Just been reading my book. I'm outtie!

The circle of emotions

To many of you this post won't make sense... it's me thinking out loud. A true glimpse into my mind and how it works...


"A man who fears nothing is a man who loves nothing, and if you love nothing, what joy is there in your life?"
-- King Arthur

"Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."
-- Yoda

"All wounds heal with time. All guilt fades, and opposites become one."
-- Tahiri Veila

In Eastern philosophy there is yin and yang... Opposites... Dark and light. The thought is that one cannont exist without the other and taken to extremes one BECOMES the other. Light cannot exist without a dark to shine in; but a shadow cannot exist without a light shining. Take this to extremes, with a light too intense you will go blind, plunging you into eternal darkness.

Why do I begin this post with such thoughts? I'm disappointed, though in my heart I expected this. I just got off the phone with Jill. She had just woken up. This means we're not getting together today. She has training and then off to work. I knew she was exhausted last night. I knew she'd sleep through her alarm today. I knew she'd tell me that I should have called her. I knew I'd be disappointed. But I also know that she pushes herself too hard... gives too much of her self. She runs herself ragged.

Yes, it's frustrating to let go of what I want; but I love her and that means putting her wellbeing ahead of my desires. Three hours of sleep yesterday and a lot to do today... How can I ask her to push her body harder? I can't and I won't.

Of course I'm asked those questions... the ones I try so hard to ignore, about her making time for other things and where am I in this... Those other things are part of the very fabric of her life. We all know about obligations to family and jobs... these other things are those same type of obligations for her. I know this but I cannot seem to make those asking those questions understand.

I know Jill was upset too. She kept apologizing and saying how much she wanted to be together. I think she might have been crying when we got off the phone. It's tough. I feel like crap about it all.

Why must we go through it? Anticipation, fear, disappointment, greed, love... HUMAN. That's what it all comes down to... Humanity. It's the problem and the solution, the disease and the cure.

I'm selfish: part deux

Here it is... a little after three in the morning. I'm sitting here thinking about how much I wish Jill had called off tonight and how I can barely wait to see her tomorrow/today. My poor Jillian didn't get much sleep before she went to work tonight, hence her thinking about calling off. She worked last night, didn't get right to bed, got up and fought a fire, caught a short nap, went to bingo and then off to work. We're supposed to be getting together tomorrow/today and as much as I want to, I feel selfish because she needs to get some sleep. It's Wednesday... she has training in the evening and of course she works. Not to mention that it's supposed to be nasty weather in the evening. *makes a face* When I talked to her earlier I had mentioned this line of thinking and she told me that we were getting together. I dunno, I feel like I'm making her spread herself too thin and I don't want to do that to her. *sighs* I miss my baby but... yeah anyway.

I'm going to bed now... curl up with my pillow.