A refreshing day off

So as you all know, I've been stressing a lot as of late. Today was the best I've felt in a long time. I got up and messed around on the comp for a while. Then I heard from Jill and I went up there. We went to eat with her mom and then walked around the mall for a bit. When we got back to her house, they had a call so I raced her over to the firehall and then waited for her to come back. After she got back, we hung at her house and then I came home when she had to leave for training. I came home and made some supper and just kinda chilled for a bit. So there it is... my day in a nutshell.

In other news... I know I upset a friend. I hate that feeling. We both were in horrible moods or frames of mind or whatever... and well... I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to write about... I work tomorrow, and am off again on Friday...

I could write about one other thing... but I don't think I shall... I don't want to disgust everyone... So I'm outtie!

|=4|2|\/|80'/
|D\/\/|\|5
|\|0085
|\|!6|-|7|_'/

Warfare for weary minds

So today... or yesterday as it is after midnight... *shrugs* Started off in a not so nice way... I woke up in a foul mood after having gone to bed all stressed out. Just couldn't shake that feeling and the weather was all overcast and icky so it didn't help. Went to work and just kinda went through the motions (though I gotta say that my job's not that great anymore). Then I called Jill at break and got to play with the computers at work and that kinda cheered me up. I'm gonna be doing a MP3 demonstration on Thurs. and was setting up the ipod, the laptop and the other necessities. Then I came home and got to just unwind... no pressure, no expectations... it was nice! I played DoD for quite a while and pwned!!! Tomorrow I'm off and Jill is gonna call me when she gets up... I plan on not moving from this chair most of the day except for when she finally comes down. Anyway... I'm gonna go... got more DoD to play!

Breaking point....

I am steadily moving closer to that point...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be; Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. Don't know what you're expecting of me; Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)Every step that I take is another mistake to you! (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. I've become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do... Is be more like me and be less like you!

The stress of everything is just building and building and if I can't find a release valve soon... I'll snap. Work has been hectic, I'm so tired of the idiots! Waving us down like we're taxis, interrupting while we're helping other customers, and gesturing like we are trained dogs...

Can't you see that you're smothering me? Holding too tightly; afraid to lose control. Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you. (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)Every step that I take is another mistake to you! (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) And every second I waste is more than I can take.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there! I've become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do... Is be more like me and be less like you!

You all know about the whole mom and I thing. We had a bit of a talk tonight about it. She feels like it's all one big misunderstanding. That I don't really understand what she's trying to say or what she really means.

And I know, I may end up failing too... But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you!

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there! I've become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do... Is be more like me and be less like you!

I'm just not myself tonight... the stress has gotten to me. I'm irritable, I don't care about anything tonight and I'm terrible company. I'm sorry to anyone I upset. I just can't handle anything tonight.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there! I've become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do... Is be more like me and be less like you!

I shoulda known!

Things were just too smooth the past coupla days... I shoulda seen it coming. *shakes head*

I worked today.... 9-6. After work, being Sunday, I went up to Gram and Pap's. Mom and I went with Gram to eat and things as usual. When we got back mom asked me about my car... and it all started. Mom and I got into about me wanting to just take my car to a volvo dealer and her telling me that i'm stupid for wanting to do so. Then when I got home, the stupid dog ran out the door and mom had a fit because he just had surgery and isn't supposed to be running around. It's not my fault that he pushed his way out when I was coming in... he needed to relieve himself badly from the way he acted.

Anyway... I'm outtie... I'm in no mood to post more.

A few good days

The last coupla days have been pretty good. Just kinda been taking it real easy, no stress, no commotion.. *sighs* real nice.

I got to talk to a dear friend the other night. Someone I hadn't heard from in a while. We had a nice chat. Her easy demeanor and simple wisdom have always been refreshing. She and I talked about the things going on in our lives and as always she amazed me with her natural grace in life. I hope we chat again in the near future.

Tonight after work I went to my sister's house to run some phone line and do a little programming to my nephew's computer. Then Jill and I went to a late supper. She came back to my house and caught a nap because she only had like two hours of sleep all day today. She just left and I feel like part of me is gone now.

Anyway... I get to work with Seth in the morning so it should be a good day. I guess I need to get some sleep so... I'm outtie!

GB: Shameless

Garth Brooks Lyrics

An Open Letter

I'm sorry that I'm not who you want me to be, but I am not the terrible person you fear me to be either. I know that you are disappointed in me and I feel terrible about it. You have no idea how much it hurts me to see the pain, anger and resentment that I see in your eyes. I apologize for my shortcomings. I want you to know that I love you and I respect you for who you are, even though I know your dirty history and I hope you feel the same about me. I know you voice your opinions out of love and concern for me but I've got to make my own choices in life and live with them. As much as it hurts you, please allow me that in peace. I know it's difficult because I was there once with you if you recall. I didn't like your decisions but they were yours to make. I was willing to live with whatever choices you made and I pray you will do the same for me. I know it's hard to let go. I can't imagine how hard just yet. I've found a measure of happiness that I'm not willing to let go of and at times I feel like I have to choose between keeping the peace and pursuing that happiness. I have a difficult time bearing that stress and the pressure it puts on everyone in my life. I just wanted to let you know because I do love you.

Aerosmith

search 7000 music videos at singingfool.com

artisttitle

rock | scoundrel | hard place

So yeah... I had the feeling all night that the walls are closing in around me. Stressing outta my mind. My mom is driving me absolutely insane. I do understand that it's all coming outta her love and concern for me... and I appreciate that... it's just that I always feel like I'm somehow letting her down or upsetting her. Like I'm some terrible person because I don't see things her way. Then I felt like I was being forced to choose between my mother and my girlfriend and I sure as heck don't wanna make Jill feel like she's in the middle or second best... EVER!

I know that I was a hard kid to handle when I was growing up... and I know I gave mom more than her share of heartache and headaches... I didn't make life easy for her so maybe it's just karma now. I dunno and I'm gonna quit thinking about it all before my head explodes...

First day back...

So today was my first day back to work after my vacation. The Bucknell freshmen are coming back to school and it was a busy place today. *shrugs* Kinda nice to actually have something to do at work for a change.

After work I went to Phil's... and then up to see Jill. I got home a little after eleven and Mom was jacked. *sighs* I'd told her that I was going these places and that I'd be home late. Well... apparently she thought Jill went to work at ten and not eleven so she assumed I was late getting home and ya'll know my mom... she assumed I'd died in a fiery car crash or something.

I also learned a thing or two in that convo with mom... but I won't discuss it here.

My tooth? Or lack thereof now... feelilng a bit better. I can't wait for it to be all healed so I can eat like a normal person again!

*smirks* Ok... I'm outtie!

And vacation is over....

So today was the last day of my vacation. Kinda a bummer. I enjoyed my time so it was a good vacation on the whole, though there were a few rough patches.

Yesterday I didn't do a whole lot. Kinda just chilled. Went to mom's company picnic and to the mall. Then I went out for supper with Jill and Amy. Those two are great. We went to the Olive Garden and had a nice meal. Then I took Jill up to her chief's house because she's gonna be housesitting for him while he's in Florida. I dropped her off and came home to watch some tv.

Today? Today was the day I'd been dreading. My trip to the oral surgeon. Aunt Sylv took me even though Jill said she would. I didn't wanna make poor Jill get up and come take me when she could be getting some rest. I waited for forever in that joint because the had some emergency surgery to perform or something. Just came home and played DoD all night... couldn't do much else.

I go back to the grind tomorrow... I think I'll stop by Phil's after work and then go see Jill. *grins* G'night ya'll!

Happy Birthday to..... ME!

Ok... so technically it's the seventeenth and my birthday is over. But I just got home so to me it still feels like the evening of the sixteenth so... ;-p After totally sucking for most of the day it all ended on a high note thanks to Jill and her friends and family. I guess I should start at the beginning since all the good books do... or whatever. *shrugs*

I got up today with a few plans in mind. I had wanted to call the garage about my car, call the state police, and make myself an appointment to get a haircut. I had NO energy when I got up so I just kinda sat around for a few hours... finally I got showered and began my day. I called the police and the trooper I needed to speak with asked if he could call me back as he was involved in something at that particular time. I of course told him that it was fine. So I called the garage and told them all about how my check engine light is on AGAIN. Then I sat around and waited for the cop to call me back before I made any other plans. Well, mom came home and asked about my plans... by this time I was bumming because my day had slipped away into almost pure nothingness and I hadn't gotten anything accomplished. Finally the cop called me back and then I called Jill about us getting together... I forgot that the fire dept. was having bingo tonight so we couldn't do supper. Mom wanted to take me to supper anyway so we went to Friendly's and to the mall. Over supper mom and I kinda got into it again about Jill and I. *sighs and shakes head* She just didn't understand that Jill took the night off to be with me but wasn't coming down because of bingo and the whole thing about her spending the evenings here. Anyway... after bingo Jill called me and asked if I'd come up with her. It's about 10:20 at this point and since I don't sleep at night anyway... Of course I'm gonna go with Jill! So I got up there and she showered me with presents (she's too sweet and waaaay too good to me) and told me that we were going to Mark and Christina's house to hang. We freaking laughed and played board games until 3:25 in the morning. Made me forget all about stressing out. *grins* Now I'm home and gonna hit the old bed because Phil had called and asked if I'd watch Christian while he went to his late aunt's memorial service. Oh! And before I forget, thank you to everyone who called, emailed, or otherwise wished me a happy birthday! Ya'll are awesome!

Andy Rooney said...

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of
anything except numbers. The only things I can think
of that are truly discriminatory are things like the
United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black
Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try
to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund,
Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or
Miss White America; and see what happens...
Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes
you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat
or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving
to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason,
that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong
in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others
because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in
cities where 70% of the population is black, that is
not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a
pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you
must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you
want to be an American citizen, you should have to
speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you
can leave the countries you were born in to come over
and disrespect ours. I think the police should have
every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten
them after they tell you to stop. If you can't
understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see
the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this
country, you are qualified for any special loan
programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax
breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop,
trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries
and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms,
so that decades later they could come over here and
tell us our constitution is a living document; and
open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and
television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny
he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you
off, go and invent the next operating system that's
better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child
right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the
kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary,
and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want
them, but please don't pretend they are a political
statement.And, please, stay home until that new lip
ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected
mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of
black people, and not a single one of them was born in
Africa;so how can they be "African-Americans"?
Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around
saying I am a European-American because my great,
great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from
Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere
else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough...
THEN DON'T PASS IT ON!!

The Good, The Bad and The Stressful

So this is day three of my vacation. *nods* I'm loving it and hating it all at the same time. I guess I should just start at the beginning and let you draw your own conclusions.

I stayed up kinda late Friday night knowing that I was on vacation. Saturday morn my mom wakes me up around 10 or 10:30. She was all stressing about my sister's birthday present and babysitting my nieces. So with very little sleep I got up and we went to pick out my sister's present and then to the grocery store to pick up a few things. Anyway... Jill was supposed to come down Sat. morning but she called me and told me that she hadn't gotten any sleep. She explained about having gone on an ambulance call and a few other things. I told her not to worry and to get some sleep. So my sister arrived with the girls and I was kina keeping an eye out for Jill to arrive. Jill never came until late because she had fallen back asleep. *shrugs* My brother-in-law came and got the girls around 9:15 and Jill and I retired to watch a movie.

Sunday morning I woke up and starting cooking. We all just kinda sat around and relaxed. Jill left sometime around 4:30 and of course Mom and I did the usual Sunday routine of visiting the grandparent's. We got back home around ten and I had a message from the state police to call them. One of the guys from work applied to be a state trooper and listed me as a reference. I called Jill then and she came back down and hung out Sunday night.

Today, Jill and I just kinda hung out watching tv. Mom came home tonight and after Jill left was asking me about our situation here. I have a hard time seeing it objectively because my heart is wrapped up in it. Mom talked about how Jill kinda camping here affects her and Monica. How she thinks I'm just kinda going with whatever Jill wants and jumping in with both feet. How she thinks Jill has some sort of control over me because I was worried when she didn't show up when I thought she shoulda. What can I say? I've never experienced anything like this before. I've never felt this comfortable with anyone in my life before. She just allows me to be me, with no expectations and no apologies required. Is it a crime if I worry about her sometimes? Anyway... I called the police and the trooper I was to speak with had left for the day. Then I called the garage and they told me that my car would be done this evening. So we went and picked up my car and then I had to drive tonight! The bummer is that the check engine light came back on right before I made it back home.

So there it is... you can make whatever conclusions you want to from that. I had a great weekend in some respects and in others it just was crappy.

I'm on vacation!!!

So tonight at 8 o'clock I officially began my week's vacation. *grins* I'm digging this! I'm planning on spending some major time with some of my friends and with Jill of course.

Tomorrow Jill is gonna come down sometime. I dunno when and when I asked her about it she said that she'd call me sometime in the morning and wake me up. *shrugs* It's all good. My nieces will be here around two tomorrow afternoon and won't be leaving until their father picks them up... whenever. Jill and I had talked about going away this weekend but I can't just let mom here with the girls so.... :-/ I think it's sweet that Jill is willing to come down and hang with the girls, mom and I. She's too awesome!

I really want my car back now! I'm kinda worried now too. I talked to a friend of mine at work and he said that his brother's car overheated just once and warped and cracked the aluminum heads on it... I'm scared! I love my car too much for that happen.. and besides, I just bought it! I NEED a car! Not something that just SITS there but GOES! *sighs* oh anyway...lol

Not much else going on... I'm gonna enjoy this vacation. Play DoD and hang with my friends... How could it get any better?

This update brought to you by the letters C, B and the number 25

So I haven't really said a whole lot again lately. Why? For one, I don't really have a lot going on in my life that's newsworthy and for two, what is going on I don't want to make people sick with, so... *shrugs*

Let's see... I'm on vacation in two more days. I plan on spending it catching up with some friends, and just enjoying my time away from work. I'm sure one week won't feel long enough but that's all I've got so... *chuckles*

I won't have my car back from the garage until sometime Monday, or so they say. I had taken it over for the third time to be worked on Weds. They were gonna look into that stupid check engine light again and replace the thermostat. Well, NAPA apparently didn't have the correct parts so they had to order them from a Volvo dealer... In Erie! And the dealer didn't even have them in stock!!!

On a completely different vein... Why is it that my mom thinks that my dates with Jill should be conducted like job interviews? All these deep questions she thinks I should be asking and crap. I've only been going out with the girl for a month!!! I have plenty of time to learn these things slowly rather than bash her over the head with this stuff. So mom wants to know what Jill and I talk about... all sorts of things, like what's goin on in our lives and what we want to do. *shrugs* I wish mom would just quit sticking her nose into every facet of my life... I'm an adult I can handle it. If I need advice or counsel I know where to find you.

Ok... I guess I rambled enough. I could talk about a few other things but I can't reveal everything... :-p I'm out like a fat kid playing dodgeball!

When You Say Nothing At All

search 7000 music videos at singingfool.com

artisttitle

Lost in a Moment

Lost in a moment, a lifetime in an instant
All the cares of the world seem so distant
Wanting to stay hidden in this sweet surrender
Longing to hold you close to me for forever
Not a single word need even be spoken
A fettered heart loosed, made unbroken
Desperately drowning in a simple look
The foundations of the very world shook
Taken by surprise, simply amazed by you
How could this be, what did I do
Your touch thrills my senses and my soul
Your mere presence makes this man whole
Feeling so alive and fabulously free
You make this life extraordinary for me


-- C.A.B.

Rod Stewart: Have I Told You Lately

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that's what you do

For the morning sun in all it's glory
greets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter
and somehow you make it better
ease my troubles that's what you do
There's a love that's divine
and it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
we should give thanks and pray
to the one, to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
and it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
we should give thanks and pray
to the one, to the one

And have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
You fill my heart with gladness
take away my sadness
ease my troubles that's what you do
Take away all my sadness
fill my life with gladness
ease my troubles that's what you do
Take away all my sadness
fill my life with gladness
ease my troubles that's what you do

Why?

Why is it that whenever things get to going real well... someone will hafta try to ruin it?

Why do people care for the people they do?

Why is life so complicated?

Why is there never enough time or money?

Why do things happen the way they do?

Why can't people just let things be?

Why does happiness seem to only come in small doses?

Why do problems seem to come in bulk?

Why do I ask so many stupid questions?

What should I say?

What have I been up to? I spent today with Jill. We went to dinner and just kinda ran around a little bit. I just love spending time with her. It's just such a comfortable situation and feels so right.

Nothing else major been going on. I went to the dentist and now have an appointment with an oral surgeon to remove this nasty tooth. I gotta call the garage yet again. *sighs* Stupid light is back on and today the car almost overheated.

I dunno what else to say... I'm all drugged up and I don't feel like thinking so g'night!