I can't own anything!

I hate mom's freakin dog!!! She destroys all my stuff! My socks and underwear have holes in from her, she's chewed through two different sets of shoelaces of mine and tonight was the worst yet.... She put holes in my favorite Jordan shirt! That shirt cost me $45! She destroyed it! Mom could care less... her dog is destroying my stuff and it's no big deal... *fumes*

Background Blurs

You know that precise moment in a movie when something bad is about to happen? When everything gets real quiet, the background blurs and time stands still for a split second? THAT is my life right now.

It's the holidays, folks... It's supposed to be a lovely time of the year, full of love, laughter and kindness towards our fellow man. Instead we get guilt, tirades and emotional baggage dumped on the nearest person. We get short tempers from hours of aggravation preparing for this wonderous occasion that we are too tired and frustrated to really enjoy properly. There's the shopping, the gift wrapping, the preparations and the hectic schedules to contend with. Working in retail gives one a unique observation point. You see how rude and surly people become when their merriment is made difficult, rather than keeping in mind that it's the spirit of the holidays that is important, NOT the gift. I also admit that the unrelenting hordes of shoppers get to me (and my fellow associates) and that our handling of situations may become a bit... short. What brought about this insanity? Obviously, it was not the birth of a babe in Bethlehem that caused this... when did Christmas become about PS2's and Xbox's rather than the birth of a child, wholly man and wholly God, who came to save our souls? How have we lost this vision so completely? I apologize here and now for my ill temperment this holiday season.

I really have nothing else of importance to say... Well, except this... Theresa, thank you! I needed that bit of wisdom and I'm grateful for it. I shall endeavor to remind myself daily of my love for those around me and for the joy that is possible in the small things.

Deal?

I don't know how other people deal with life. I have a hard time. I may seem to be some half crazed, insane, happy-go-lucky lunatic but I'm really this timid, scared little boy. I just have a hard time handling things when they don't go as I want them to. And what's worse is wanting something badly but knowing that it won't happen as you see it in your mind. Knowing that there will be chaos and contention and strife. It just gets me down, makes me tired, it feels like the world sits squarely on my shoulders at those times. I'm tired of trying to be who people want me to be, I'm tired of trying to live up to expectations and I'm tired of having demands placed on me. I want to be me, I want to do the things I want, when I want. But I have this problem... I was raised with a sense of duty. To fulfill my obligations is as basic as breathing. So the battle rages... duty versus individuality, reality versus perception, ideals versus flights of fantasy. Does anyone else think about this sort of thing? Am I just nuts? Am I the only one who doesn't understand how this thing called life is supposed to go? Anyway... I'm going to bed to try to clear my head.

Finally a day off!

I haven't really updated since Thanksgiving. Why? Because I've been so tired when I come from work that I just pass out. I feel like I've been doing the work of four Amish and a midget around that store.

What am I gonna do today? I'm gonna go try to finish off my Christmas shopping. I probably won't quite get it done but it'll be darn close! *grins* Working in retail I don't wanna hafta fight the crowds to do my shopping when I hafta fight them just to do my job.

I've been feeling pretty good lately... However, people still have me upset. I try really hard not to let it bother me like it did a bit ago but... *sighs* I kinda feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge, just leave me be!

Oh well... I think I'm gonna spend a nice day shopping by myself and pray no one royally screws it up for me. I'm outtie!

Happy Thanksgiving!

So it was a nice holiday... didn't fight with Mom too much, had a nice dinner with the family and then visited with some more of the fam when they came over. I also got an email from a friend I haven't talked to in a long time...

I don't wanna go to work in the morn... Stupid Black Friday! What's wrong with these people? They come to the store and push and shove and *sighs*

Oh and my computer went nutso tonight when I was playing DoD with Seth.... Oh well.

I'm going to bed now!

I don't wanna update

I don't really wanna update... but I feel that since I have this site I should probably at least attempt to update it occassionally.

Not much going on as of late... at least nothing I feel the need to share.

*goes to watch Denis Leary and play DoD*

Miss "Holier-than-thou"

"I'm going Christmas shopping with Seth on Tues."
"That means you won't be home when I get home... You two never get up when it's time to wake up, you sleep until the afternoon."
"Actually Seth is getting together with Vanessa in the morn."
*silence*

Am I supposed to be your built in entertainment and companion since I'm your son? What does my schedule have to do with anything anyway? I work until eleven at night most nights, and can't wind down until the early morning... am I supposed to get up after a few hours or what?

*singing* "Hark! The hair-lipped angel sang" *mumbles*
"That's blasphemous! That's exactly the reason I don't wanna sit with Mary Anne and her sicko friends at work. They are always making fun of something!"

Singing an irreverant song makes me a sicko? I was just laughing at the Larry the Cable Guy song. Yeesh!

"I've never seen that."
"You haven't?"
"Nope."
"Well, you're never here, and when you are you're not out here with the dogs..."

So I have a bit of a life. And I have things I like to do that are different from the things you like to do. Is that a crime?

I had been talking to Seth about this ongoing saga with my mom and he told me to tell her about how I feel. I can't though. It'll only cause more probs. More stress and tension. I don't wanna deal with that. *sighs* Anyway... I'm off for now.

Dean L. Bierly Jr. Nov. 19,1954 - Dec. 18,2003

Today my father would have been 50 years of age. Instead, today we spread his ashes over the mountain that he spent his early years wandering about. My father and I did not have the greatest of relationships but as time goes by I'm beginning to understand the man more and more. It seems odd, but at times when I disagree with Mom she tells me that I'm so much like my father. I used to get upset about that... now I'm kinda proud. My dad was the kind of guy who didn't back down, he believed what he believed and you were not gonna change his mind. He had an amazing sense of humor, he laughed at everything. Laughed in the face of adversity, broke the tension by making everyone laugh and I hope I have inheirited that. I do not have the words to properly express the gamut of emotions surging through me... Anguish, love, contentment, pride they are all there. I just wanna say that I love you, Dad!



"God Saw You Getting Tired"

God saw you getting tired
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped His arms around you,
And whispered, “Come unto me”.
You didn’t deserve what you went through,
And so He gave you rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best.
So when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain.
I could not wish you to come back,
to suffer that all again.


~ Author: Unknown

To everything there is a reason and a season

So yeah... my head's on straight again. I wanna send a big shout out to everyone who called, conversed, and let me rant. Ya'll know who ya are. If you wanna know what's up... well IM me and maybe I'll tell ya. I don't feel like writing any more so... I'm gone!

Conclusion

I've come to a conclusion... I've reminded myself that no matter how much I care, how much I try to guide in the right direction, how much of myself I give, or how hard I try, people will be who they will and things will go as they will. Why was I ever foolish enough to believe that it would be otherwise? It's like I can see it all playing out before me, the failure sure as the sunrise but I must do my part, even HELP it to fail. Why was I trying to swim against the onrushing tide? The powerful play of life goes on and I must contribute my verse regardless of whether or not it's heeded or even needed. I'm not further along for having had this melt down but I do think I needed to remind myself that no matter what, life moves on whether we kick and scream that it won't. Yes, I still care for those whom I cared about before but I must bear in mind that I can't make things the way I want them to be or feel they ought to be. So when it's all beyond my hands I need to remember that it's ok for me NOT be in control and it's ok for me fight the powers that be as well. I just need to remember that I won't win every fight and when I lose not to dwell on it. I think my evening of solitude paid off immensely... *grins* Now let's get back to business of living.

Limp Bizkit: Break Stuff (censored)

It's just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is f***ed
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
But you want to justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherf***er
It's just one of those days!!

[chorus]
It's all about the he says she says bull***t
I think you better quit
Lettin' s**t slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
Its all about the he says she says bull***t
I think you better quit talkin that s**t
(Punk, so come and get it)

It's just one of those days
Feelin' like a freight train
First one to complain
Leaves with a blood stain
D**n right I'm a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz I'm f***in' up your program
And if your stuck up
You just lucked up
Next in line to get f***ed up
Your best bet is to stay away motherf***er
Its just one of those days!!

[chorus]

I feel like s**t
My suggestion is to keep your distance
cuz right now I'm dangerous
We've all felt like s**t
And been treated like s**t
All those motherf***ers that want to step up
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your a** raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way
I just might break somethin' tonight...
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your a** raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way
I just might break somethin' tonight...
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your a** raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way
I just might break your f***in' face tonight!!
Give me somethin' to break
How bout your f***in' face
I hope you know I pack a chain saw, what!!...

[chorus]

What is wrong with people? (censored)

Why do people do the stupid things they do? Why do I care? *sighs* That's it! I'm through! I don't give a **** any more! Ya'll can just take your comments, your probs that you brought on yourself, and your fake*** bull*** and shove it straight up your own ***!

Close your eyes and follow me

Where have all the simple pleasures gone? Why does every day offer only the same dull duties as the one before? I miss the spontaniety, I miss the jokes and camraderie, I miss... living. An amazing friend of mine always quotes that "if you lose the will to laugh you've lost the will to live"... I love to laugh it just happens less lately. I'm mired in this repetitive existance and when I try to break out of it, I end up hurting someone. I feel so trapped by the life that I made to protect to myself from experiencing pain. I have no one to blame but myself. Sure I can whine and moan about others in my life giving me grief about this or that... but if I ever would really set my mind to do whatever and maintain focus they'd eventually ease up... I think.

To those friends out there going through your own tough times... I pray you find your way through your own darkness. I'm slowly feeling my way through mine. I know the darkness well... I've come to linger in her embrace. She's a cruel mistress who slowly drains whoever she touches...but she speaks her own truth and for that I'm grateful. We all need to learn from the darkness and then learn to live again with her lessons.

"Come along follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength
Come with me and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
To the light at the end of the tunnel
We gonna fight, we gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march
Through the swamp, we gonna mosh through the marsh
Take us right through the doors (c'mon)

...If it rains let it rain, yea the wetter the better
They ain't gonna stop us they can't, we stronger now more than ever
They tell us "no" we say "yea", they tell us "stop" we say "go"
Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let em know"

-- Eminem

Embrace the Darkness

Yes... the solitude of the darkness is my escape again. I have returned to the confines of the dark corners of my mind and my life the past day or two. I hide in the dark because in the light I don't know how to deal with life. I wish I did but it all seems beyond me. My life is what I have made it... but that's not what hurts right now. What hurts is the fact that I have friends out there who I wish I could help but I'm powerless to do anything to even console them.

If our reality is based on our perceptions then in the darkness the only thing I perceive is the solitude. The feeling that I'm the only being on the planet.

I know that seems horrible...

I wish I could reach out to everyone whom I care about... I wish I could deal with my problems and help you with yours.

What can I do? Where does the strength come from? How can I share whatever it is I find?

I will find my answers... I will search through the darkness that I know so well. The same darkness that was once my security blanket. The darkness that I have fought against for a LONG time but that I've finally come to accept.

Now I'm off to search... but I'll leave you with this...

"Regardless of what anybody believes who hates me
You ain't gonna make or break me
Tryin' strip me of my credibility and make me look fake, G
You're only gonna be in for a rude awakening
Cuz sooner or later you haters are all gonna face me"

--- Eminem

Update

Ok... so I'm reclining here in my chair after the normal Sunday evening festivities at my grandparent's. I'm very tired but I'm also pysched so... who knows!?!?

I was an hour and fifteen minutes late for work today. I'm expecting to be majorly yelled at on Tues. when I go back to work. If they say too much to me I'll hafta bring up several other associates attendance records and that of my asst. mgr.

Ummm... talked to the hallmark chick. Yeah... she's very pretty and sweet but I'm not gonna ask her out... she's too prissy. Not my type of chica. I need a girl who is comfy in some old jeans and a sweatshirt with her hair not preying on her mind. Also I talked to the ex-little-chica... she has a boyfriend at the moment so I guess that feeling of mine was wrong.

Ummm... anything else?

*sighs*

I could say so much more but I don't feel like it... typing here and on IM so... I'm outtie for now.

Ow! Blah! and *sigh*

So... Yeah... *wrinkles nose*

I've not been in the best of moods lately. I haven't had the energy nor the inclination to post. Nothing too major going on. Thank God there is no drama because with work as it is I don't think I could handle any drama around here.

Today was so LONG! We had three trucks last night and there was freight EVERYWHERE when I went in to work. The lock on the gamecase was broke... again. It's been getting EXTREMELY busy at the store with Christmas so close... *sighs* I busted my backside today... and I know it's only the beginning. It's gonna get sooo much worse as we get closer to the holiday.

Upside? Well... I suppose if I had to pick something... I got to see the ex-little-chica today. She's still so sweet. I still get this weird vibe from her like she'd like to go out again... dunno though. Also this new hallmark vendor chick... who's very cute... has been flirting with me... I've got some info but I dunno... it's all so complex. :-/

My salvation has been DoD... I got a whole buncha clan guys upset with me last night... that's always fun. They didn't like me owning their backsides I guess. *shrugs* I just let my tension melt away as I blow up the Nazis. ;-)

My sis called me tonight. We're gonna go spread my father's ashes on his birthday. That'll be an experience. I'm not sure how I feel about this but... we'll see.

My cousin Terri and her children were here tonight. That was an intriguing experience. Having kids here that didn't want to come take over my room. Kinda cool. ;-p

Good news today too. Waldenbooks finally called and let me know that my book is in so I can continue the NJO. Also my books from Barnes & Noble are currently in Memphis according to the tracking website thingy... and I hope my action figure arrives soon as well. I bought it offa e-bay and I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.

My evenings have been kinda quiet this weekend. Someone hasn't been around to keep my mind active. I miss that. However, I must say that since I've been grumpy the last coupla days... maybe it's for the best. *makes a face*

I guess that's all I'm gonna ramble about now... I'm outtie!

I just can't take it!!!!

"My fuse is short and it's lit
Like me I should have fought sketchy, it's gettin hard to see
My heart bleeds, believe it every dying breath
These people they take and they take until there's nothing left

I'm a fist of rage
I'm a fist of rage
I'm a fist of rage
I'm a fist of rage
One foot in the grave
I'm a fist of rage
Far from saved
I'm a fist of rage
In a broken state
I'm a razor blade slittin' through a wrist of hate
Come on
Uh...Yeah
Come on...Uh"



Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test:

I need help! I'm obsessed!

So yeah... *rocks in his chair* My name is scoundrel and I have a confession to make... I'm obsessed with Star Wars. I'm gonna end up on VH1's "Totally Obsessed" one of these days. *twitches* :-/ I just spent around $80 on barnes & noble buying star wars graphic novels and then I've spent quite a bit of time on e-bay emailing sellers about action figures. Yeah... *continues to rock*

Anything else going on? *ponders* nope... so I'm outtie!

It begins... *sigh*

The Christmas rush has been slowly building the last coupla weeks. A few extra shoppers a little later in the evening, a few extra crowding into the dept. in the afternoon... Nothing too terribly extreme but it's been slowly creeping up on us. Today, however, it has officially begun. The attitudes are out in full force. These people who think they are your only customer and that you should wait on them hand and foot and get them their needs on a silver platter. I can't take it anymore! I'm glad I should be spending more time in the back away from these morons soon.

What else is going on? Nothing too exciting. I have a three day weekend this weekend. I NEED to get my behind in gear and actually take care of a few things.

Oh and Joseph... here's your mention and I'm not complaining...Happy? ;-p

Now I'm gonna go find something fun to do...

*fades to black*

cool test

Eysenck's Test Results

Extraversion (30%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private. Neuroticism (64%) moderately high which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Psychoticism (35%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex).

Take Eysenck's EPQ-R based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Four More Years

As most of you know, I was watching this year's election with great interest. Most of you know that I've been interested in politics for quite some time. As most of you also know... I have sat on my hands and just studied the issues for years and this year I finally threw my hat into the ring to vote and make my voice heard. I'm happy to say that the candidate I feel the most comfortable with won in the presidential race and most if not all of the PA races.

Now this year's campaign has been extremely divisive across the country. I know my political position is not popular amongst several of my friends. I only pray that now we can come together as a democratic country and support our elected leader.

I applaud both of the candidates in their remarks in the aftermath of the election. Their graciousness and civility after the months of cut-throat politicking was a great relief.

I pray that our country moves ahead into a time of great prosperiety, hope, conviction, and optimism as I remember the days of the great Ronald Reagan to be.

I'll now leave you with some remarks made by our President and Senator Kerry.

"...In an American election, there are no losers, because whether or not our candidates are successful, the next morning we all wake up as Americans. That is the greatest privilege and the most remarkable good fortune that can come to us on Earth. With that gift also comes obligation. We are required now to work together for the good of our country. In the days ahead, we must find common cause. We must join in common effort, without remorse or recrimination, without anger or rancor. America is in need of unity and longing for a larger measure of compassion.'
-- Senator John Kerry

"We have one country, one Constitution and one future that binds us. And when we come together and work together, there is no limit to the greatness of America."
-- President Bush

And from President Bush's first inaugural address...

"America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens."

God Bless America!

This isn't a post

I don't have anything of importance to say... I just haven't updated in a while and thought I should. I know that a few more people are veering off the beaten path and stumbling onto this blog. I dunno if that's a good thing or not. This is my space to rant and rave and just generally not care. So if anyone ever reads anything here that upsets them... oh well, I'm not gonna apologize.

Ummm... *tries to think* Yeah... I don't think there is much of importance I can say. Nothing has been going on in my life. I sleep, work, read, chat online, play video games and read. That's my life... or so called or whatever.

I think I'm gonna go eat leftover Halloween candy now... oh and btw, Vote or you have no right to complain!

I'm outtie!