Excuse me while I pound my head on the wall

Ok... so tonight Mom and I talked some more. Very deep, emotionally draining thing... I told Mom that the anger she sees in me... isn't really anger... More of a self-loathing. Let me explain... With all humans our relationships are based how other people make us feel about ourselves. We like people not because of how we perceive them... but how we perceive ourselves with or because of them. When I'm with my mom and to a lesser extent Monica... I see my flaws. I see my imperfections and my faults. That might be where she sees me treating them like an enemy. I don't know however... I know that when I'm with Jill or Seth, I feel completely at ease. I know I'm accepted for who I am... flaws and all. It's a wonderful thing. Yes, I know I'm far from perfect and I know I'll never fix all my flaws... but why is it that those are what's most prevalent when I'm with my family? I know I have very high standards for who I should be, and they do as well... I don't know that I can live up to my own standard... I'm always concerned that I'll anger or upset or disappoint my family... like I'm not good enough for them. Is any of this making any sense to you? I know what I mean but am I articulating it?

*sighs*

And to top it all off... I know I upset Jill. I hate that. And we all know how insecure I am. I'm sooo afraid that she's gonna say that I'm not worth this trouble. This heartache or pain or whatever. She amazes me though... she tells me that it's all fine. I wish I could believe her. Things were going along so nicely until all this came up again. I was so happy. Now I'm chasing my own thoughts in circles. It's such a hard juggling act. Keeping my family happy while trying to live my life and pursue my own happiness.

What it all comes down to is that I have to try harder I guess... Mom put those three things out there. Clean up my act, be a productive member of the family, and follow her house rules.

Yeah... in circles I go again. I NEED to make it all work.