Time marches past

And here I am yet again, wondering what to post and being amazed that I haven't posted in ages. I always used this blog as my outlet for whatever I was thinking or feeling and when there were no major issues in my life, I tried to keep to keep things lively here. It would seem that I've failed on that second part as of late. I've not posted unless I've been stressed beyond belief or needed a place to vent.

So what's been going on?

Nothing too noteworthy... Lots of the usual boring things that keep life busy. *shrugs* Jill is recovering from gallbladder surgery nicely and will soon be returning to work. I've been trudging back and forth to work and the family is doing fairly well.

I went to Noah's grave the other evening... I wanted to clean off some of the things that had been left there. There were dead flowers, flower pots and the remnants of things left behind. Besides, the ground had settled and part of the grave had sunk so I went to fill it in with some of the dirt that had been left beside his grave... It was heartbreaking to shovel dirt over my son's grave but I couldn't let his resting place in such disarray.

There is nothing else of consequence to report so I shall leave it at that... Salute

Piece by tiny, broken piece

Finally! You've finally told me what's going on inside of you. I was trying so desperately to understand what has been going on the past few months. I finally am starting to understand a little better and hopefully you understand where I've been coming from as well. I hope we can continue to communicate and understand each other like this. I know it's difficult and painful but it's the only way we will make it through this together. We not only are rebuilding ourselves but our relationship. This is not where we expected to be, not what we prepared for.... not what we dreamed about.

On the newsfront... We have tickets to the Jeff Dunham show tomorrow night. I can't wait!!! This will be good therapy and I'm looking forward to laughing all night long. Also, my eldest nephew will visiting this evening into tomorrow. He's becoming much more mature and returning to being the joy to have around that he once was. I'm very proud of him and all of my nephews and nieces.

I don't have much more to say... so I shall bid you all a fond adieu.

Beyond Broken

What can you call it when your heart is beyond broken? The last two months have been a blur. Time twisted into an incomprehensible haze and the only anchor for me and my sanity was you. Now I feel like that lone tie is slowly fraying. Adrift, amongst my sorrow, thoughts and fears. Where can I turn when you don't seem to be there? I know you want to be, but every time I look to you, you're gone. Perhaps you're trying to keep your own anguish at bay and I cannot fault you for that. I do not want to add to your pain by what I feel. You have suffered even worse than I and your healing I hold in greateast regard. Without you, I have nothing. Yes, I have those I care about, but only you complete me. I beg you just to come to me once in a while, so I may medicate my pain with you.

Long time gone

Here I am again, dear reader. It's been months since I last posted here and my world has crashed again and again. I scarcely know where to begin, so I shall not even pretend to try to put it all in order. I will just let it all flow from my head, heart and soul and you can piece it together as you see fit.

Noah... just the sound of his name on my tongue, in my ear, or in my head makes me sad. Every father dreams about the birth of his child. Sure he may be scared about the delivery and how he'll be as a dad. But the sheer joy of this new life, this little person who is the product of your love with another human being is immeasurable. Thoughts of teaching, praising and even the mischief this child will indefinitely get into courses through your mind. Being able to look at the world through your child's eyes as they grow and experience things for the first time.... Then to have it all snatched away at the last moment. All the pain and terrors of labor for both her and I and then to have none of the rewards. The empty nursery, the unused bottles, the silent monitor and the smiling toys all seem torturous to have in the house. Our little boy, looks so perfect... merely sleeping. Sleeping now beyond our reach and I cannot understand why we have not been granted the opportunity to raise our child. I cannot comfort Jill any more than I can keep my own heart from breaking and I feel so helpless.

We've buried our boy... Life seems to plod along. Continuing now as a mere formality, almost devoid of passion or pleasure. I try to find reasons to smile or something to help me have purpose. I had the best reason, to be a great father, and now that is gone. I turn to the one I love and feel as if she is like sand slipping through my fingers. The tighter I hold on, the more I lose. I know she loves me. I tell her that I just need some time for us to be together and she tries... it just never works out. Responsibilities, family, whatever... All this pain, disappointment it just festers and brews. It becomes toxic, infectious anger and venom. It kills me to know the pain that I feel, I inflict on those I love. It all just hurts, the gaping numb hole is no more and there is this ragged hole that oozes and bleeds as it tries to heal. The only medicine I know is the love of those I care most about... but it seems this disease that I've contracted, or become, keeps pushing them away. I've never felt this way... not when Dad passed away, not ever. I've felt pain, made it my friend, because it was the only way to know that I was alive. If I was alive, then someday, sometime it would get better. But now... I'm not sure that I am alive. I know that I'm living because I have a pulse but am I truly alive any longer?

This is where I'm stuck... I have no answers to my own questions. Usually when I write this out, it all seems to come together... but now... It's out there... but I can't find it.

Precious Son

"God, I know You gave Your precious Son
To give us life with You.
But I didn’t want my son to leave,
'Cause he was precious too.
We all are precious in Your eyes
And all to You return.
I know my son will not come back,
And I still have much to learn.
Our time on earth is for learning,
And when our lessons are through,
Our spirit chooses the time we leave,
And we come back to You.
My precious son is with You,
And there will be a day,
That I too will leave this earthly place,
And You will light my way.
I know Your arms will be open,
And I will have a smile,
To see my God and precious son,
I will then become Your child."
---- Joy Curnutt

Don’t Think I Do Not Grieve

"Don’t think I do not feel;
because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
of grief, and loss, and fears.

Just because I do not cry now,
don’t think my heart’s not broken.
I keep inside the misery
of words not to be spoken.

Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,
so you won’t see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake,
or how I’ve gone insane.

Each time I chance to think of him,
my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.
you will not see my thunder."
---- Brenda Penepent

You Know you are the Significant Other of someone in EMS or the Fire Department When...

1.You wake up to your alarm clock and shout "will you shut that fucking pager off already"

2.Your idea of a massage is having your S.O. practice secondary survey on you.

3.Your idea of foreplay is a priapism sweep or a check for wettness.

4.You have many EMS or fire shirts and never bought one.

5.Your idea of a turn on is wearing their sweaty gear.

6.You have ever been stood up for a call.

7.You see Backdraft and want to imitate the hosebed scene

8.You have ever waited 6 hours while they went on a "quick" call.

9.You are more familiar with their station that your parents home.

10.You can discuss dismemberment at the dinner table without vomiting.

11. You belong to one of the following clubs: Ferno, code 3, Hosebed, Hotride (did I cover them all).

12. You have memorized all their radio codes.

13. You have a scanner and all of their frequencies programmed in.

14.You find yourself suddenly "coverless" as your S.O. does a 360 and falls out of bed, taking all the covers with him when the pager goes off.

15. You bring books to read while you wait at the station for them to get back from the quick call.

16. You take separate vehicles to family gatherings or other events in fear that you may be stranded there

17. You call your S.O. enroute so he can drive with two hands

18. You become an EMT or dispatcher just to get to see him!

19. You put on your wedding program: "Do to the solemn nature of the occasion we ask that you turn off or down all fire and med pagers."

"It's Ah-Liiiiiiive!!!!"

*evil cackle*

With the witching evening approaching fast, I've finally resurrected long enough to finally post. I haven't been around nearly enough, and to all my friends online, I apologize profusely. Life has been terribly busy and just a wee bit hectic over the past two to three months.

With the moving and finally getting settled (for the most part) and all the other things, like preparing for the baby, I just haven't had enough time to sit down, clear my mind and take the time required to post appropriately.

I'm not so sure that there is much that you all will find too interesting about what's been going on... other than the baby news. ;-) All is well with mommy and baby. We are in week 33 and just had a doctor's appt. today. It's all looking very good and all going smoothly thus far. We have some appts. to keep, doctor, lamaze class, and that sort of thing. We are anxiously awaiting the day that the baby decides to arrive.

Anyway... I shall leave it all at that and I promise to post more regularly.

Weight of the World

There is soooo much going on these days... Jill and I, my sister and her family, Monica's sister... It's all just starting to crumble down on all of us... It feels like everyone is buckling and I'm all alone trying to keep us all from being crushed. I pray it all starts to ease up a bit real soon. Until then... just call me Atlas.



"Feels like the weight of the world,
Like God in heaven gave me a turn.
Don't cling to me, I swear I can't fix you.
Still in the dark, can you fix me?

Freefall, freefall, all through life.

If you love me, then let go of me.
I won't be held down by who I used to be.
She's nothing to me.

Feels like the weight of the world,
Like all my screaming has gone unheard.
And oh, I know you don't believe in me.
Safe in the dark, how can you see?

Freefall, freefall, all through life.

If you love me, then let go of me.
I won't be held down by who I used to be.

If you love me, then let go of me
I won't be held down by who I was

If you love me, then let go of me
I won't be held down by who I used to be"
-- Evanescence