The Cold Hard Truth

I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about relationships lately... Jill and I's anniversary is coming up and I've been wondering how I fell into something so wonderful and what actually makes it work. I've found a few things that I'd like to share... and as always I have a few of my own thoughts to contribute. So here goes....

What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings
and frustration.

The sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don't have to take my word for this.

I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You'll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.

1. Men want honest, timely, loving communication.

Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.

Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.

**A Tip for Women**
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.

Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation -- either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spent with a loving partner.

Women think men don't want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.

**A Tip for Women**
Men want what women want -- a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.

3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.

Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner's mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.

Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don't want or value praise and acknowledgement, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.

**A Tip for Women**
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his timeline. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.

4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.

Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.

Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.

**A Tip for Women**
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.

5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.

Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a "roaming eye" and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship -- even when the going gets tough.

Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.

**A Tip for Women**
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and "a roaming eye" are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.

6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.

Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgement of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.

**A Tip for Women**
Most men want acknowledgement and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.

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This is the first of a series of open forums with the aim of creating a liberating environment for women to vent about what they love, hate or simply say what they feel. Watch out boys! Here it is.

A group of 15 women gathered in a room with nothing but the question "What Do Women Want?" When asked the question, there were many character traits that were mentioned. These should come to no surprise to most men, since they pretty much want the same thing from women. Sincerity and honesty ranked high and were the most requested character traits desired in men. "I don't want anymore bull from men. No more 'it's not you it's me' crap. I want the truth. I want the guy to be open and honest about his feelings with me," explained Sarah*.

Sarah wasn't the only one to say that she is tired of men who are too scared to disclose their true feelings to their partners. "If the guy doesn't have the guts to be honest, he should go somewhere else and lay his lame excuses on his friends," exclaimed Justine.

Along the same lines of honesty and openness comes the aspect of communication. Although men seem to think that women can't bear to hear the truth about some things, women would rather have their partner tell them what is on his mind rather than save it for a rainy day or as backup ammunition for when they get into a fight.

6 out of the 15 women said that they don't want a man who is indifferent; they want him to show some more emotion when something is bothering him or when he is happy. "How else can we know how he feels if all he does is stare like a blank slate when asked a question? You are allowed to express most emotions," explained Stephanie.

Although most women admit to playing games with their men, they wish men would not be so inclined to play a game of mind-chess with them all the time. It's true that dating can be considered a game in itself, but women want men to have enough guts to tell them that they are interested and would like to see them more often.

Now, although brutal honesty and openness is what women want, we know that too much of anything is not good. Thus this does not apply when a woman asks if she looks fat or if your ex-girlfriend was prettier than she is. This also means that when at a bar, it is recommended not to tell a woman that you are deeply attracted to her and you want to spend the night with her. Don't show this to her by rubbing your hands all over her behind as she dances either. Some eye contact, a smile and starting a conversation is enough to let her know that you're interested. If still confused, check out my last article on how to approach women.

11 out of 15 women mentioned this one: men want their women to remain fit and hair-free (everywhere!), a double standard that must be respected. If we are visiting the esthetician every four weeks to get waxed, spackled and plucked, the least a man can do is treat his body the same way, which means to not give up grooming just because he has a girlfriend. If you are one of those rare men who doesn't complain about how a woman should look, you are exempt from this one and can do whatever you want to your body! Alright, let's move on.

The following were mentioned in the seminar as well:

Some lovin'- Women want to be cuddled every now and then. We don't need affection 24/7, but kind words and sporadic displays of emotions and then are appreciated and keep women surprised and on their toes.

Respect- A one-night stand with a woman is great, if it is understood that it is nothing more than a casual tryst. Mutual communication and making sure the two of you are on the same wavelength is important before riding the wave.

A man who knows what a woman wants- Diane loves men who seem to care about what she wants.

Recognize bad moods- But don't blame everything on the menstrual cycle, not everything can be dismissed as hormonal chaos. Sometimes, there actually is a problem.

Spontaneity- This ranked high as something that women want. Monica wishes that more men knew how to surprise her and keep her guessing. Take her out on a boat ride, plan a picnic date rather than simply going to a restaurant for lunch.
Although this open forum was aimed at trying to unveil the mysteries of women, it's important to remember that the whole fun of getting to know someone is trying to uncover what that person wants for yourself. It's obvious that every person is different, has had different experiences and therefore wants different things. By getting to know somebody, you learn exactly what they want and desire, and hopefully provide them with just that -- provided it's a reasonable desire!

So get to know your woman and if you can't figure her out, remember that the whole fun is that she keeps you guessing and coming back for more. If you knew, what would be the fun of dating? The important thing is to tell her what you want rather than complain to your friends over beer and chips. You'd be pleasantly surprised to know that the two of you may want the same things.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

*chuckles*
I know that's a lot of post to take in... especially since I haven't even started my ramble yet. *grins* But I felt it important to share both of those articles before I said anything on the matter.

I don't really have much else to say on the matter just to offer my experiences which have been limited but insightful.

I'm going to present two lists here...

One of what I always wanted in a relationship and one of what I have found in a relationship...

What I wanted
Someone who listens to what I say
Someone who will move the world for me
Someone who understands my position
Someone who is compatible with me
Someone whom I can live with

What I found
Someone who hears what I mean whether I say it or not
Someone who moves me
Someone who helps me define my position
Someone who completes me
Someone whom I can't live without

And with that... I bid you good night and good luck!