I'm getting sea-sick!

The ups and downs just keep coming. The past few days have merely been a continuation of it all. The highs and lows are beginning to take a toll.

I spent most of the weekend with Jill. I went up after work on Friday. We just kinda hung out on Saturday. We went to lunch with her mom and had a nice relaxing day. Saturday evening was Beatles fest at the fire dept. Not my kinda scene as you all know. I had some business to attend to that evening (some of you may know what it was) so I went to do that while the band was on and things.

When I got back after attending to business and whatever... I caught Jill smoking. *sighs* Now, I probably should rewind a little here... Jill was a smoker when I met her. She had been for years. As a matter of fact, she smoked on our first date. She knew that I didn't like smoking and after we ended up going out, she quit. Now one of the things that came out during her doctor visit after the miscarriage was that she was smoking again. I didn't say a whole lot at that time because it was a sad, emotional time for both of us. I did find out that she'd been doing so for months. She said not a lot, whatever that is. I dunno what a lot is to her. Whether a pack and a half a day is a lot or two cigarettes a week or what... But she said that she didn't smoke at all once she found out she was pregnant. Now I know she's been stressed since all of this happened. And I can kind of understand that she was trying to calm her nerves... But I don't like smoking and... It hurts that she was doing this behind my back. I mean... back in the summer she picked this up again, dropped it for two months and went right back to it. Was this something that she planned to keep doing, praying that I wouldn't find out? I just don't get it... She told me that she'd quit again the other night. I just don't know if I can believe her now. Will she keep this sort of thing up behind my back? What else is going on with me not knowing??? For all I know, she's drinking, doing drugs and seeing someone else... *shakes head* I know it's foolish for me to think that... but that's what rattles through my head because my confidence and trust are shaken. Was she planning on quitting smoking again sometime??? I don't know that she was... I think she was hoping to just keep me in the dark and that scares me to death. I love her with all my heart and soul.... more than life itself. And this just cuts deep. What hurts even worse is how upset she was after I caught her. Like I caused her this terrible hurt.... Seeing her upset and hurt tears me apart worse than anything.

I can't think about this anymore.... I'm gone.